Last edited: 18th November 2019
This post links with Dear Dubai Ex: Closure, In Control: Warning Signs of a Controlling Partner, How To Date An Arsehole, It’s Not Me, It’s You, Get Lit (Not Gaslighted…), Invisible Scars and Gaslighting Survival Guide.
Some supporters of mine recently created a Twitter account ImWatchingYou and held a 24-hour Twitter protest on November 1st to highlight my situation* (see note at the end of the post). Regular readers of my blog will already be aware of the circumstances that led to me leaving Dubai in April 2018 (About Me explains) and what I have been dealing with since I left. I did not expect to still be dealing with my ex and the aftermath of our relationship in November 2019, and nor do I want to be.
Numerous times I’ve been trolled, told to shut up, go away and get over it. I’ve been portrayed as the psycho ex who refuses to let go, who vindictively wants revenge. Anyone who actually knows me well knows that I’m not THAT person. I am someone unafraid to speak up, to fight for my principles and what I feel is right. I’m a Libra and to me, fairness and justice are everything. I was brought up to treat people as I expect to be treated. I don’t like confrontation or discord – but if you screw me over and don’t do right by me, I will stand up for myself. In October 2015 I became involved in a complicated personal situation that was to prove to have catastrophic consequences for me in the four years that followed. I met a guy at work and we clicked immediately. I couldn’t believe my luck – a handsome, smart, funny man liked me! When he made it clear he was attracted to me and began to pursue me, I was thrilled. I had no idea when we met that he was married, he was not wearing a wedding ring, and I was shocked when his circumstances were revealed. He had certainly not acted like a married man around me. The attraction between us and the feelings we had were strong and I allowed myself to get emotionally involved with him, though I refused to cross the line by sleeping with him. That was the beginning. To say that this particular relationship ended badly would be an understatement.
Multiple times during the relationship I ended things and asked to be left alone. My ex would always talk me round and I would be drawn back into it again. I loved him but felt caught in a fucked up web that I didn’t want to be in and couldn’t seem to get out of. He was my boss and there would often be repercussions for me in the workplace when our personal relationship was not good. He gaslighted me to control me and keep me, his ‘special friend’, attached to him, which I have written about in other blog posts to hopefully help others to recognise that they may be involved in a similar destructive situation. He is a clever, manipulative man who told me he always gets what he wants, and he always wants to win. Eventually he pushed me too far, I had enough, and exposed him in a controversial blog post, ‘How To Date An Arsehole’. I lost my job as a result of writing that post. After three years of putting up with his behaviour, I wasn’t going to go without a fight. I asked to make a formal complaint to the company we worked for. They were not interested and just wanted me to go away, despite them knowing I had a vast collection of work emails, WhatsApp transcripts and an incriminating voice recording that proved my allegations. They threatened me with defamation and I had to fight to get the money I was owed paid to me. They only paid me once I signed an NDA (a non-disclosure agreement).
That could have been the end of it and would have been had I received any kind of apology or assurance that my ex would be held accountable. The company had no interest; it did not suit their agenda. I was fobbed off and told to trust them to ‘deal with him’. They gave him a new job in one of their other schools. What a slap in the face. Why it was OK for a married Principal to initiate an affair with a colleague, to kiss and ask for sex on school property and to then gaslight and manipulate when he didn’t get his own way, but not OK for me to tell the truth and expose the behaviour, knowing I can prove what I’ve said, is not something I will ever understand. I blogged about it to ensure that he knows that what he did was wrong and to ensure he doesn’t do it again to someone else. The online abuse I’ve had over the past year has been horrific but I always knew that speaking up was the right thing to do.
At various times I have been prepared to let all of this go and make my peace with it but then something would happen – online abuse attacking me, fake accounts being used to contact me, the bombshell revelation in April 2019 that he was rewarded with a new job when I’d been forced to resign etc. So the cycle continued until I reached a point in July when I was ready to draw a line under it all. For whatever reason, my ex/boss had been allowed to keep his job despite his obvious professional misconduct and I’d been the scapegoat. That was bullshit but I just wanted positive change and peace in my life after a year of devastating losses and turmoil. I reached out to my ex privately via email, making clear my intention was closure. Even if the company was prepared to condone his behaviour, I wasn’t, but I wished him well anyway. I felt I had mentally and emotionally put the relationship to bed.
Unfortunately, my ex has not allowed me to move on – despite what he may have told other people. I am still writing about the situation because I am still dealing with it. I am still dealing with his attempts to contact and manipulate me. On police advice, I changed my phone number, removed my email address from my blog and Instagram, disabled blog comments, and made my Instagram private. I deleted many blog posts and deleted my old poetry page to prevent him from clicking on ‘our poems’ – he still found a way to access them. I’ve tried ignoring the situation. I’ve tried not posting anything on my blog or Instagram for weeks at a time to see if that helps. I’ve tried to be nice about it. I’ve written about wanting peace, asking to be left alone to get on with my life. A friend has even contacted my ex, and his CEO, on my behalf and asked him to stop. I reported him to the UK police. I wrote Dear Dubai Ex to publicly ask for the situation to stop. I don’t know what more I can do. The Twitter protest was not my idea but I appreciate the intention behind it, and the support of those who feel I do not deserve how I was treated by my ex/boss or our company. The people in my life now know how committed I am to moving forward and how frustrated I feel that a part of my past seems determined to keep a connection going with me, or just wants to show me that he can find ways to contact me whenever he wants as he does not like not being in control. He appears charming, kind, an average good bloke, so it has been difficult for others to believe me. What he put me through when I worked for him was not acceptable and it’s not simply my word against his when evidence exists; evidence the company didn’t want to see when I reported him last year and still don’t want to see now he persists in finding ways to contact and manipulate me. Being believed no longer matters to me – I just want him out of my life.
Cyberstalking can take many forms. Every time a new fake account is discovered, or contacts me, I feel sick to my stomach. I have been advised not to reveal on my blog the full details of the contact or how we know when it’s my ex rather than some other weirdo. He and I know all that he has done. What I can say is that trolling and cyberstalking make you feel vulnerable, anxious, frightened and paranoid. It’s stressful feeling watched all the time and unwelcome contact is both invasive and upsetting. It needs to stop. I have never threatened anyone with legal action in my life and I don’t want to proceed with a court case against someone I loved – but I will, if I have to. Hopefully, it will not come to that. We are weeks away from the end of the year. I would like to enter 2020 with the weight of this situation lifted; happily free from the past.
*Please note that this Twitter account is no longer active. The purpose of the protest was to highlight cyberstalking and make public my own experience, and it successfully served its purpose.