Last edited: 13th June 2019
*Trigger warning: this post discusses Gaslighting and emotional abuse.
Note: Last year I made the difficult decision to speak up about an emotionally abusive situation I experienced that impacted my personal and professional life. Abuse of power and emotional abuse are unacceptable. Sending love and thanks to those who have supported me 😘 Hopefully my blog posts will prevent others from going through similar situations, help those who are experiencing gaslighting/emotional abuse and may need support, and let victims know that they are not alone. I hope no one finds, like I did, that when they have the courage to speak up, no one wants to listen/believe them. The response to my posts has been amazing and proves that good can come from challenging/unpleasant life experiences. Peace ✌️💕
In an earlier post, ‘Get Lit (Not Gaslighted…)’ I discussed my own experience of being gaslighted within a relationship. In this post I would like to give some tips to help those who suspect they are being gaslighted by someone in their life, whether that be by a parent, a colleague, friend or romantic partner.
The psychological term Gaslighting originates from the 1944 film Gaslight in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane. It has come to describe psychologically/emotionally abusive behaviour that has the intent to cause the victim to question their memory, their perception, and doubt their sanity. Why would someone want to gaslight someone else? To gain power and control. It tends to happen slowly, over a period of time, and can be absolutely devastating to the victim. I felt completely unravelled, a shadow of who I was, by the time I made my escape from my ex – one of the most deceitful and manipulative men I’ve ever met. During the relationship I became emotionally unstable, prone to irrational, compulsive thoughts, cried frequently, felt paranoid, had trust issues, and as my mental health deteriorated, my relationships with the other people in my life, family, friends, and work colleagues were negatively impacted, thereby isolating me. Gaslighters convince you that you can only trust them, that only they understand you, and encourage dependency. Everyone else is stupid. Everyone else is wrong. Only they truly care. They will play mind games with you. For example, saying one thing to you and then another thing to someone else, pitting you against each other. When conflict ensues, you ironically turn to the abuser for support, unaware that they have created the issue, undermined you, making you increasingly reliant upon them. These parasites feed off your attention, your neediness, and enjoy playing you like a puppet, whilst maintaining an act of sincerity. This is why gaslighting and emotional abuse need to be taken seriously, with abusers held accountable.
What should you do if you suspect you are being gaslighted?
- Do your research. Read about gaslighting techniques or talk with a trained professional so you are informed about the behaviours to watch out for. Once I knew what to look out for, I was able to keep a record of the things that happened whilst still in the relationship. The record helped to prove that my relationship with my ex was not healthy and was also valuable during counselling sessions.
- Don’t be naive. Always remember that you are dealing with a very clever individual who is adept at manipulation. Simply talking to them and explaining your concerns is going to be ineffective. They will persuade you that you are wrong, convince you that they’ve done nothing wrong, and possibly say phrases like ‘You know I care about you, how could you think I would do anything to hurt you?’ Or ‘I’m disappointed you think that I am capable of that.’ They know how to turn things on you, to make you feel guilty and question yourself. Many times my ex did things that were unacceptable but after calling him out on his behaviour, I would often end up feeling bad and apologise to keep the peace.
- Keep a record and collect evidence. An online diary that only you have access to could be safer than a written diary that could be found and read by the abuser. I created a Google Docs online diary and wrote down everything that happened in the relationship that I identified as being a gaslighting technique, or anything that was unacceptable to me – blatant lying, manipulative phrases, when his actions didn’t match his words, things done to deliberately confuse or wound etc. For evidence, I collected emails, regularly saved transcripts of WhatsApp conversations and took screenshots. You are always in a position of strength when you have truth AND evidence on your side – even if no one wants to listen/believe you. Knowing you have proof in black and white will make you feel more certain about what happened and make it easier to explain it to others if necessary.
- Share what is happening. If you have other people in your life that you trust, try to tell them about things that happen. For example, I did share some incidents with trusted friends and showed them messages. However, no one knew the full extent of the emotional abuse as I kept so much to myself. When I did eventually speak up, it was hard for people to believe me as they didn’t know everything that had happened and they didn’t get that it wasn’t just one event; gaslighting is a collection of manipulative actions and behaviours over a period of time.
- Trust the evidence, particularly when dealing with gaslighting within a romantic relationship. When you love someone, it is natural to want to believe them and trust them so when they start to gaslight you, you make excuses for them. This allows them to continue to get away with abusing you. If your gut instinct is telling you something is off and you don’t like how someone is making you feel, pay attention to that and trust the evidence. If you speak up about their abuse, they will discredit you and make you appear crazy – but the evidence will speak for itself, making them look foolish. At the very least, you will know that you are right when others try to tell you you are wrong.
- Leave the situation. I stayed far too long in a relationship that I knew was harmful to me because I loved him. Put distance between you and your abuser. With distance from both them and the manipulation, over time you will gain clarity and the strength to fight back/ move on. You have a right to be happy. You have a right to good mental health and healthy relationships. You have a right to remove anyone from your life who harms your wellbeing and negatively impacts your life. Life is too short for such bullsh*t.
Recovery after gaslighting can be slow but you will get there in time, with help. These days I am in a good place mentally and emotionally, unless something triggers me – for example, a phrase that someone says, or a manipulative relationship in a TV show, can take me back to a dark place, but I try to surround myself with positive people and count my blessings. I have a new life now, I’m living in a different country, I’m doing a different job, and I am happy I got away. It’s a work in progress. Until recently I had never taken any form of revenge or sought ‘payback’ for what someone has done to me but I made an exception for my ex. I had my reasons; long story short I gave him a taste of his own medicine. What can I say, I learned from the best. I would not, however, recommend others doing the same. If you can, leave it to karma, walk away with your head held high and focus on self-care and healing. Another ex love of mine reached out to me a few weeks ago after reading my blog posts to send some words of support and told me he considers our relationship to be one of the best he’s had. He said I was a considerate and loving partner to him and he was shocked to read about my experience of emotional abuse and gaslighting. Amazing the difference kind words can make. Certainly made me feel a lot better. You can put a horrible relationship behind you and there are plenty of others out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
I really want to help others who may be experiencing abusive situations so I will continue to share my experiences, write blogs about the issues that are important to me, and hope that my writing encourages someone else to find the courage to positively change their life, as I have.